90 Days Sobor and No Gambling

Okay, So 90 Days!  Seems like a lifetime..........then I find out tonight that this program I've been going to which is great, which has taught me to read the Bible everyday and to Pray and has changed my life, is actually a 12 month plan.  Meetings are pretty structured, but I haven't really been instructed as to the whole overview of the program.  But bottom line is that there is a 12 month structure.  So I really want to focus and commit to the remaining 9 months.

So,  here are my goals for the next 9 months:

• 3 Days a Week Go To Gym and Work Out
• Cut down on chewing tobacco
• 7:15 am wake up on all days (yeah, but I go to bed late, am a night guy)
• 15 minute (minimum bible read) and pray in morning
• 1 hour bible read and pray at night
• 2 meetings for addiction per week (I am babysitting for 1 week so will be excused)
• 1 Church minimum per week
• 1 Serving Activity per week, Usually help clean church on Saturday for an hour
• 9 months no dating women (what? I didn't sign up to be a monk!  but okay will do)
• Create something positive! 
• Write daily journal.  Feeling wierd about posting online, wrong motives. started this to get a harley and God gave me a motorcycle today.  So going to switch to handwritten book. 

So, Will not be posting here any more, but as it is out there felt fitting to conclude it.  I made it 90 Days with No Alcohol, No Weed and No Gambling.  All thanks to walking into a church and turning to Jesus who blessed me with getting into the right group for me.  I believe in Jesus and his foregiveness and love.  Turning away from my old ways (or at least trying to turn) has helped me focus some of my selfish attention off of myself.  I have been blessed with new friends, new ideas, feelings of peace, a new motorcycle used but new to me, sobriety and hope for the future.

Peace be with you.

80 Days Sobor and no bets. Jesus is the Good News!

On my arm I have written, No doubt in my mind and All things are possible with God.  I am trying to program my brain to get past the doubts that come up about God, Jesus the Bible and replace them with trust.  I also want to remember how powerful and loving God is.  All we have to do is pray and ask.  One of the disciples walked on water. At least one of the disciples raised the dead after Jesus was gone. 

God is an awsome power.  Jesus is our friend.  Jesus is in God, We are in Jesus.  I really think I see the Bible telling us that when we really believe, when we really have faith that we can and should share that power to do some great things.  I don't have Bible passages right now because I just wanted to sit down and type as I haven't been disciplined with it lately.  But wanted to post and praise God for keeping me on the path for 80 days. 

Also starting to focus on a new big project that may or may not be God's will, but I hear a need and have an idea.  I know I can't get to heaven by works, but I want to show repentance and turn from my sinful ways and do something good.  I want to do God's will.  I want to please God because he takes such good care of me.  Thank you Jesus.

71 days No Booze, No Drugs, No Gambling........4 days no chewwwwww

Thank you Jesus for giving me the hard time at night when I'm alone and can fall down, pray and beg for the help I need.  I hate nicotine.  I crave it so bad.  I want it.  I miss it.  I love sitting around at night with a big dip in reading.  It is so stupid.  It causes cancer.  It creates isolation.  It is a bad example for children.  Why do I miss it so much that my bones ache, my eyes water, my skin tingles and my brain is melting away without it.

But God is real.  A couple weeks ago I was talking to a buddy about miracles and thinking about how if we really believe and see this stuff in the bible that we should be seeing more of it here, now.  Since then I have seen it at my church.  I've seen guys praying over one another laying their hands on each other.  I've seen the whole church gathered together for a night of prayer and song.  Those are miracles.  That is the christians doing what the bible tells us to.  Good stuff.  Thank you Jesus.

What is it when I give up an addiction? Colossians 3

Stopping negative behavior is first most obvious action.  True Goal is to change who I am.

Addiction is fun,  covers feelings about not being good enough.  Gives you courage, let's you hide and pretend to be someone else.

This is a long piece of the Bible, but it really does work on me.  Because I am trying to turn from Sin towards being a better human being.  I am not just trying to stop the behavior, I am trying to correct the core. 

Colossians 3: 3-11  New Living Translation

For you died when Christ died, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.  And when Christ, who is your real life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. 

So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you.  Have nothing to do with sexual sin, impurity, lust and shameful desires.  Don't be greedy for the good things of this life, for that is idolatry.  God's terrible anger will come upon those who do such things. 

You used to do them when your life was still part of this world.  But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander and dirty language.  Don't lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old evil nature and all its wicked deeds. 

In its place you have clothed yourselves with a brand-new nature that is continually being renewed as you learn more and more about Christ who created this new nature within you.

In this new life, it doesn't matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barrbaric, uncivilized, slave or free.  Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us.


70 Days No Alcohol, No Drugs, No Gambling.......
Day 3 No Nicotine..............

OH NO what was I thinking?    It really does suck to have to quit an addiction.  I've been through this before.  I know these feelings.  I know these thoughts.  Flipping through my notebook and came up on Day 5 of alcohol and have two columnes: 

1) Alcohol
Weed, Mushrooms, Acid
Gambling,
Taxes,
Chew

2) Sobor & Ass
Compulsive
Defiant,
Angry
Self Destructive

Notes at bottom of page:

Drunk & Fun, High & Loving, Halucinating and Creative, VS Sobor and Self-Destructive

Those were my thoughts today too!  Why quit chewing?  What if it makes me worse?  I'm not doing anything to anyone else with my chew. But I am, sit along chewing and playing poker or video games or read.  Very isolating.

TURN from the OLD.  TURN to the NEW! 

Matthew: Living by the Word of Jesus

61 Days NO Alcohol, NO Drugs and NO Gambling!  Thank you Jesus!

Want to design my new life based on biblical teaching of Jesus Christ who is our Lord. 

These are all from Matthew:

11:48  Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke fits perfectly and the burden I give you is light.

4:10  Worship the Lord your God; serve only him.

4:17  Turn from your sins and turn to God because the Kindom of God is near.

7:24  Anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys me is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock.

10:32  If anyone acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I will openly acknowledge that person before my father in heaven.

18:20  For where two of three gather together because they are mine.  I am there among them.

21:22  If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

26:41  Keep alert and Pray.  Otherwise temptation will overpower you.  For though the spirit is winning enough the body is weak.

Luke 12:31 Put God First

Luke 12:31

He will give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. - NLT

I really want to live for Jesus and get into his path not try to fit his way into my life.  There is so much to gain.  Nothing to loose. 

The preacher tonight was talking about Saul in 1 Samuel 13 and 14 and how Saul wasn't patient waiting for God to show him what to do.  Saul was thinking about himself and what he wanted.

I really want to do what God has planned for me now.  I don't know what it is.  So I'm going to have to search.  I don't want to be a burden to anyone, so I want to work hard and do my share and more.  I am going to have to get some help to figure it out. 

God really does take care of me every day and I am greatful!  I need to be patient, but I need to go forward asking for some help and some guideance. 

Something else the preacher said tonight struck hard.  He said that we need to be involved in our church.  Because the church is the body.  We shouldn't be doing this here and that there.  Which is funny because I was seriously online looking at another church schedule tonight because I want some positive strong people in my life.  I'm not sure how to handle my friend who is struggling with his job and looking for a new way to make money.  I tried hiring my kid and that didn't work.  Do I show him what to do and make a competitor?  Do I make him and partner?  Do I take the idea to church and let them run it?  I don't know what to do.  I need some guideance.  I want to get on God's path.

I am thankful that I'm wondering about these questions now instead of: should I drink, get high or  gamble?

I feel like I'm starting to head the right direction.  I want to make sure I am going the right way.


50 Days No Alcohol, No Weed and No Gambling

48 Days Not Drunk, Not Stoned and Not Gambling

Made it to the meeting tonight!  Always feel inspired because of the focus on God. 

Just some notes 46 Days No Alcohol, No Drugs & No Gambling

OLD PROBLEMS

Money
Drinking, Drugs, Gambling (Out of Control)
Violence/Anger
Sex Used Women to get what I want

BIG THOUGHT:  Friends I used to have were bonded together through the old problems.  Money, most people I knew because I met them through work and common goal was to make more money and get more stuff.  School friends were through being angry at the system and a common love of drugs, alcohol and women.  Women I went with were there because I was getting ahead with money, strong personality and sex.  Bottom line, relationships worked as long as I was getting what I wanted and they thought or hoped they were or would get what they wanted.

What I want out of life now:

Happy.  I want to enjoy my life.  I want to see the beauty, listen to good music, dance when it's too good to sit still, taste good food and make some good positive friends where we bond together not out of greed or lust or being angry at the same thing.  I want a positive life where I appreciate the good stuff.

self-controlled, disciplined and responsible.  I want to get past thinking of only myself. 

Peace.  I want to be happy with what I got and not be greedy.

Ambitious.  I still want to go after new experiences and do new things but I want to do them for better reasons than just me.

What's God want me to do?

Love God
Love my neighbor.

God doesn't ask anything he didn't do himself.

forgive = forgive
give = give
Love = Love

Keep going back to the image of Jesus on the shore with breakfast for the guys in the boat who went out all night and didn't catch anything until they saw Jesus.  Serious, burning coals with fish and bread telling them to come have some breakfast!  I want to be like that.

So goal here is to keep reading the bible and make sure all my wants are based on what I find in there.  I really am taking this seriously and want to change not just the outward behavior, but the CORE of my problems which is in my head and my heart.  I can feel and sometimes see it changing. 

Like right now, I did put a bunch of stuff in the computer to sell today but I would rather take a break from that and sit down to work on this.  In the past, it was just money, money, money.  Now I'm trying to make sure I take some time to do the things that don't pay but can make me a better person.  It helps that I've been extremely well taken care of this month and have already sold enough stuff to pay the bills next month and that tax bill I've been putting off.  Thank you Jesus.  I pray everyday for help with my little business and Jesus provides for me.  I'm not getting rich but I am getting by and I finally have a sense of peace in my life.  When I just chased money I never had peace because there is always more stuff, someone selling more and it just never ends. 

Now I live a simple life and life is good.

Also just amazed to really consider the fact that the problems I've had are all right there in the Bible. 2000 years and people are still having the same problems.  All based on the same self-centered mind set.  There really is a duality out there battling and it's holding us back.  2000 years and we can't solve some of these basic problems?  I'm trying to solve some in me first then hopefully I can pass it along.

46 days of no alcohol, no drugs and no gambling replaced with 46 days of really reading the Bible and trying to figure things out and I do feel more at peace with my life.  That's gotta be a start!

More on Jesus and the Fisherman

John 21:3-10

"I'm going out to fish," Simon Peter told them, and they said, "We'll go with you," So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.
Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.
He Called out to them, "Friends, haven't you any fish?"
"No," they answered.
He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some."  When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.
Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, "It is the Lord," he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.  The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards.  When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread.
Jesus said to them, "Bring some of the fish you have just caught." - NIV

What an awesome event!  Simple but so full of the rich love of Jesus.  Here these guys are out fishing all night.  Working hard trying to feed themselves and probably needed some money.  Jesus had died on the cross, so they had to wonder if they were going to be next.  Remember the verse about Lazarus and the Jewish leaders were going to go after him too, because he had been raised from the dead and a lot of people were converted because of him.  So there must have been a part of them that was frustrated with no fish and worried about being pursued.  Out all NIGHT!  Coming back early in the morning with nothing to show for it.

There on the shore is Jesus, God made into man.  After being crucified and coming back to life.  He has the coals burning with fish and bread.  Plus he gives them a net full of fish.  God came down and made breakfast for these guys.  He gave them a net so full of fish they had to tow it behind the boat into shore.

What a great God!  Way to turn a moment around for these guys.  What an example of being humble.  Being God and coming back to life and cooking breakfast for your disciples.  How can you not love a God like that?

Seriously,  I've been without Alcohol, Weed and Gambling for 41 days now and I am certain that it is because of the grace and WORD of Jesus.  I read the bible every day.  I've read this verse before.  Today it just kept growing on me.  At first it was just because I got off my keester and scooted out in the cold to look for stuff to sell so I thought about the net full of fish.  Then I went back to reread it and these WORDS just come out at you.  Jesus standing on the shore with burning coals, fish and bread.  That's a great image. 

That is the WORD filling my mind with good stuff.  Reading the Bible is changing the things I think about.  I'm not thinking about running off to play poker and drink.  I'm not being bored and watching a movie wishing I had some weed and my bong back.  I'm thinking about Jesus standing on the shore as these guys come in after working all night with nothing to show for it.  Jesus turns it all around by giving them fish for their nets and breakfast to boot.

These are WORDS with power. Living WORDS coming to life inside my mind.  I think this is a part of becoming new through Jesus.  I never would have been thinking about this in my past except for a few months when I was a teenager and went to this church summer camp.  I'm sure I felt him then, but I turned away hard.

Now I really do try by reading the Bible every day, praying and trying to the the right thing and catch my bad thoughts and I am blessed like getting a net full of fish.  Jesus helps me find what I need.  Jesus helps me find the right stuff so it sells.  The last couple days things have been selling like crazy.  I'm not getting rich but I'm not stressed out about money which is awesome.  I can pay my bills and I know it.  And I feel comfortable that things will keep going well.  Before I would sell something big, make a lot of money, blow it and go rushing around panicked looking for another client or another house to flip.  Now everything is smaller, but it works, my life is starting to feel under control and overall, life is good.

Thank you Jesus!  Thank you for pulling me out of my destructive patterns and showing me how to live a sustainable life.  Thank you for the eternal life that I haven't thought about before, but need to start thinking about.  I don't want to get greedy and focus on the money.  I am not good with money when I'm going after money.  I am better with money when I treat it like it belong to God and I am just using it to get by on.  I don't need to rush off to Vegas to celebrate and waste the extra, I need to account for it correctly, pay the taxes on it and keep reading the Bible and trying to be good. 

I am submitting to an authority which I have never done before, but this authority stood on the shore and cooked breakfast for his friends after they had been out all night fishing.  That authority in Jesus I am willing to submit to.

Thank you Jesus for saving me!

Fisherman

Just a quick jot.  The story of when Jesus came up to the guys who had been fishing all night and didn't catch anything.  He told them to cast the net into the water on the right side of the boat.  So, they do it and catch more in the net than they can haul in by themselves.

Jesus is that good to me.  Seriously, more competitors, fewer suppliers and still I can ride my little scooter out in the cold and always find what I need to not only pay my rent, but pay my child support and this month pay my taxes that are due.  If I had kept my job working 40+ hours a week I was going to be in the hole, at least $200 a month after child support.  Now I'm not going in the hole.  I'm not getting rich, but I'm getting by and I have time to go to church, go to meeting and even help out a little. 

Eternity, that is a BIG deal.  Never thought about it before.  Now I'm thinking I should start thinking about it.  We're told to think about the future and be smart and save, but imagine eternity.  This life really is just dust in the wind.  So I should be doing what I need to do every day to try and live right like training for a big race. 

Drifting...Point it.  Jesus takes care of me and I am grateful!  Thank you Jesus!

Just Jesus and how he helps

39 Days No Alcohol, No Drugs, No Gambling!

I still have a lot of questions, but it is obvious to me that Jesus is in my life and is the reason I have the strength to not smoke weed, drink or gamble.  Jesus fills me with his Spirit at time so much that it is now undeniable.  Sometimes it is so strong it feels like being high.  I love Jesus. 

Jesus offers a simple solution:

Mathew 11:28-30  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and you will find rest in your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - NIV

I accept Jesus and believe in him.

John 3:16  "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." - NIV

I repent my daily sins and all the selfish, stupid things I did that got me to where I put gambling, drinking and selfishness ahead of my wife and little kids who now live across the country.  I hate myself for being so self absorbed, afraid, angry, greedy and not loving my wife the way I should have. 

Mathew 4:17 From that time on Jesus began to preach, "Repent for the kingdom of heaven is near." - NIV

I will work hard and try my best every day to follow the simple commands he gives us.  It really is simple and wonderful.  All you have to do is Love.

Luke 10:27  He answered: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind;  and Love your neighbor as yourself." - NIV

The bible is filled with tons of other things and every day it gives me more things to think about, but I really love Jesus because when you get to the meat it really is simple.  Just believe in Jesus and Love.  I try to apply that to my daily life by reading the Bible, thinking about God and trying to Love everyone.

Up and down cycles used to be the pattern in my life.  Work hard, get some money. Then I would get drunk, high, run around and party.  Meet a nice lady.  Get into a relationship. Clean up a bit.  Get angry and burn it all down.

This time by implementing the simple teaching of Jesus I am going to work hard and not worry about the money so much, but let any success that comes be and try hard to be a good guardian of that money and use it carefully to continue to sustain my business.  Before it was always Go Big or Go Home.  But building something sustainable through slow careful growth and taking the time to work on myself through reading the Bible, going to church and slowly growing personal relationships will keep me focused on the fact the doing things right and good is better than just fast and getting a quick buck.  Like with the motorcycle.  I would love to trade in my silly scooter for a motorcycle which would give me more power and distance.  I could get on the highway.  But is it really worth the extra cost?  Will it really pay for itself?  Over time, probably.  But I ask if I'm not just doing it to look more cool.  Ego is hard.  Seriously, since last night I've had 3 people make comments about my scooter and my bright yellow jacket.  Sometimes it's easy to blow it off and sometime I want to get off and hit them with my helmet.  But I remember to Love my Neighbor and keep myself humble.  So I will continue to scoot for a bit until I can really know that a bigger bike is needed.  In the future it will because I want to go cross country, see my kids, see new places and meet new people.

What's all this have to do with booze and gambling?  The drinking, getting high and gambling were ways that I focused only on myself.  I escaped into them.  I could forget about my problems and just focus on the moment on myself.  Now it isn't just about me.  I go to a group and am accountable for not doing these things.  But I'm also being an example. 

Another big thing is that I am actually trying to do what I am told and submit to an authority.  Jesus tells me to Love him and that if I love him I will Love my neighbor.  I will think about other people before I do my actions.  He tells me to read the Bible so I do.  He tells me to get with other believers so I do.  My past actions were to always find a way around a rule and to ask forgiveness rather than permission.  I'm trying to follow someone Else's rules and example through Jesus.  Being sober keeps me from being self-focused.  Not gambling gives me the time I need to improve.

I have it easy.  I burned my world down before I started this, so there was no place to go but up.  Except for being on the street and not having a job.  Lucky I have a super strong work ethic that would never be in my nature not to work.  Even as a kid doing Acid on weekends and drinking and smoking pot every single night I never let it interfere with my work.  I remember one night I actually slept on some boxes in back of the bakery I was working at after doing mushrooms and drinking all night so I wouldn't be late for work. 

I am so lucky because Jesus really is involved in my life.  Things come together even though we can't see the map because we're on the path.  Like with my work.  I took a stupid job because I wanted something fast after being online playing poker for 6 months and running my bankroll down.  I didn't loose I just didn't make enough to cover the bills.  That job lead to a promotion which lead me to watching someone else buy and sell things online.  Then I just copied what I saw and carefully built up an inventory and now for 4 months in a row I sell enough online to pay my bills.  I don't feel comfortable going back to selling because I feel that I abused some trust by abandoning my partners when I went through the divorce.  I also feel like selling is somewhat manipulative because to hit your quotas you always have to prospect and invest your time in new people.  You can't continue the same level of relationship you had while you were selling to someone you've already sold to because you have to move on to get more deals. 

I feel like I can be totally honest about my products, ship them to buyers quickly, do some customer service and yes I make less than I did before, but I feel honest about the whole process.  I'm not just building a relationship to pass off to someone else as soon as the deal is done on paper. 

Not using and gambling isn't just about not doing the act, it's about changing the decision that goes before the act.  I don't want to get drunk or high and get laid because I have better things to do.  I don't want to go gamble because if something goes wrong, I have better uses for the money. Now I don't even want to watch too much TV because I can be reading the Bible and trying to learn something new.

I am blessed because even though I can't wrap my head around everything, like other religions and good people and a loving God creating Hell, I can state that not only are things starting to make sense to me, but I can actually feel Jesus in my life.  Like today I spent some of my time on Saturday, my biggest day to get stuff on sale doing something I thought I should.  I put my trust that if I did it things would still work out and they did!  I got a bonanza of stuff later in the day because I went downtown and dug.

You could just say it's because I did the work and went downtown, but nobody else got there first and got the stuff first.  Not today, not yesterday when it was too cold to ride.  Jesus left that stuff for me to find.  He gives me what I need so I can take care of myself and make the payments I have to make to my ex and kids. 

By reading the Bible I am learning how to think better and make better decisions that keep me from doing stupid selfish things.  I still fail miserably like with the tobacco, but that will come in its own time. 

The group I have been going to shows me that it works for other people too!  These grown men will tell you that they love Jesus and love their wives.  I hear how they talk about what they read in the Bible.  They do the same things and it works for them too! 

Yeah, another looser who ran to Jesus to fix his life.  Yes, but I'm trying hard to stop being a looser. For 39 days I've made a good first step.


Peace be with you!

New in Jesus Christ 2 Cor 5:17, Eph 4:22-24, Col 3::7-10

35 Days No Alcohol, No Drugs & No Gambling

2 Corinthians 5:17  Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! - NIV

Ephesians 4:22-24  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. - NIV

Colossi ans 3: 7-10  You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.  But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language from your lips.  Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. - NIV

I read the Bible, I pray, I actually get down on my knees and pray at times, I try to think about the right thing to do in every situation. 

I read the Bible and I can imagine Jesus Christ as a man.  I can imagine him being put to death by the Jews and Romans because of his teachings and miracles.  I can even imaging angels being at the tomb of Christ and Christ coming back to life.  But I'm still not 100% sure I'm a believer in my heart and I don't know why.  I think it has to do with my past.  Hearing that weak people who can't make it on their own turn to God. 

I did a lot on my own.  In elementary school I put together a challenge to the school district against re-zoning which took me away from my friends.  In high school I was MVP of my cross country team.  In college I was in the honor's program.  In my work life I was a sales guy, then manager then director for an Internet company.  I had my own Internet sales company, a marketing company, a mortgage company and a real estate investment company.  I always got up and then burned them down.  I really don't want to make the same mistakes and get into the same cycles again.  Whatever happens, I need to change.  I need to change beyond just stopping the outward behavior.  I need to change at the core.  I need a new me.

Jesus is offering this to me and at least I am trying.  It is harder than it should be.  Eternal life is an amazing concept.  Start there and a whole range of things pops open.  No way can eternal life be real.  Some say we are our brains and once the brain dies we die.  Look at Alzheimer's disease, who are you if you can't remember?  Different religions offer different ideas about eternal life.  Why is Jesus the right one really?  Good people who don't believe.  I have been lucky to know some people who really were good people and I can't imagine them being sent to hell forever.

But what have I got to loose?  Kind of a cop out but a reality.  I tried the old ways and had a pattern of success followed by self-destruction.  Less than 3 years ago I was tied into multiple real estate deals on a partnership level, living in a 4 bedroom house with a 3 car garage filled with cars.  Now I sit in a cheap 1 bedroom apartment filled with stuff to sell online by myself.  I have nothing to loose.  Side note:  At group yesterday I was amazed at how our leader reaches out and touches new people.  Two younger guys but both married coming to God to save their marriages and lives before they ruined them.  His wife and his brother and others.  What a good example.

Me.  I'm an idiot who destroys everything he builds because I don't want anyone else to have what I worked for if I can't keep it all for myself.  What a jerk! 

I really need to change.  I am starting with my actions.  I don't drink, smoke weed or gamble any more.  I have replaced those with going to group, praying and reading the Bible.  I really do feel God working in my life as I am able to support myself selling stuff I find online.  Even down to the cardboard boxes I use to pack things in.  I have never not been able to go out to the dumpsters within a block or so and find what I need.  Jesus is in my life, I can feel him.  I just need to let go of whatever is holding me back and let him in fully.  I want to be 100%.  I want to be new.  I need to be new.  What an idiot if I go back to the old patterns.  Seriously, how did I make all that money and waste it away?  How could I marry 3 wonderful women and get them all to divorce me?  I am selfish.

That really is the bottom line.  I am selfish and that is really what I need to quit.  But you have to start somewhere.  Oh and I totally blew it on quitting chewing.  I gave up fast like I always do.  I know I need to quit and I will, but not now.  I know God will help when I really ask for it, but for some reason I hold on to that stupid vice.  Being selfish.  I feel like when I work hard I should get to sit down, watch a movie and have a chew.  What a waste.  But one step at a time.  Right now I really feel like the thing I need to focus on is reading the Bible and getting into my relationship with Jesus and getting past these feeling of holding back.  What am I holding back from?  The old ways didn't work! 

Romans 10:9  That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. - NIV

Romans 12:2  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind... - NIV

The Living Word - The Bible

30 Days No Alcohol, No Weed, No Gambling! 

New Years Eve I was looking to NOT go out and reading the Bible.  1 Peter 4:3 You have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do... - NIV

The last couple of days I've been trying to get to, "Is Jesus really real?  Am I just being weak and looking for something to solve my problems for me?  I can feel God working in my life, but..."

I have an American College Education and a strong bend against authority.  In high school my leather jacket was painted with a broken missile and a broken cross.  Religious people seemed pompous, self-righteous and hypocritical.  How can I possibly believe that Jesus was real...was really the Son of God...died...and was then resurrected because he loved us?  Am I being a sucker here?

I've been reading John today and yesterday to try to get some answers.  A lot of what I have been reading lately talks about Jesus and the disciples dealing with disbelief and teaching so people will believe.  Throughout John and Acts Jesus and Paul both go to great effort to link Jesus and the miracles to the prophecy in the old testament.  They are trying to prove to the Jews that he really is the Son of God.  They clearly state that they witnessed these things.  They list descendants from David to Joseph to show the lineage.  Jesus performs miracles.

The death of Lazarus shows how much Jesus tried to prove he was the Son of God so everyone would believe.  Jesus knows Lazarus and loves him.  John 11:5  Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. - NIV  But even after the sisters let him know Lazarus is sick and needs him, Jesus stays away.  He knows Lazarus is going to die and wants to use it as a miracle to show who he is.  John 11:14-15  So then he told them plainly, "Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him." - NIV

After 4 days of being in a tomb Jesus goes out and brings Lazarus back.  John 11:43-44   When he had said this, Jesus call in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!"  The dead man come out his hands and feet wrapped with strips of lines, and a cloth around his face. - NIV

Is that proof that Jesus was the Son of God.  If I had been there and witnessed it, yes.  Reading it 2000 years later....well.  It does show the great lengths Jesus went through to try to get people to believe.  He performed so many miracles: raising the dead in at least two stories, healing the blind, curing the lepers, healing the sick, feeding the crowds, walking on water.  He did these in front of witnesses.  He taught thousands of people and performed miracles in front of thousands of people.  The disciples testify to these. 

So much of the New Testament that I've read so far is focused on stating exactly what Jesus did and said and strives to prove he was the Son of God. 

Last night I was starting to think about the Bible and the words of the Bible having power and teaching to the point that they create a physical or metaphysical change in our mind.  I looked up metaphysical and the bible on the Internet and came across some interesting concepts.  Some argue to the term metaphysical and Plato with philosophy.  There are some interesting articles on the neuropsychological and physiological aspects of spirituality and the brain.  So I'm going to drop the metaphysical words and use spiritual.  Holy Spirit. 

John 16:13  But when he, the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. - NIV

Maybe that feeling or recognition of presence I get is the Spirit Jesus was talking about.  To be honest, I'm not 100% convinced, but I am trying to get there.  I read the Bible every day.  I pray every day.  I am trying to do what the Bible tells me to do and I see and feel good things happening in my life every day.  I want to believe.

It does make since that because the only way to eternal life and salvation from sin is through belief in Jesus that as a loving father he would do all he could to make us believe.  He did great things in front of a lot of people to get his point across.  I am grateful because I do feel a presence working in my life helping me get what I need to survive and now leading me to reading the Bible and praying every day.  Maybe it is a leap of faith and a choice to stop looking for more evidence and accept it.  Trust me I want to be forgiven for my sins because I have had some rotten moments in my life and have hurt people.  I don't want to be that way any more.  It isn't just about NOT drinking, smoking and gambling.  It is about the choices I make and the actions I take and changing who I am at the core so when I'm faced with situations I will choose to act outside of my own selfish interest and do the right thing. 

It amazes me that in 2000 years, I'm having the same issues that people had back then.  I'm asking the same questions.  Searching for the same answers.  This Bible, the Living Word of God is helping me to answer them in a very real way.

Acts 26:5-32 Paul

28 Days No Alcohol, No Weed & No Gambling...Failing miserably with chew.  Nicotine is a crutch and vice.

I just don't know what to do about chew.  The first day and a half was tough but then I broke.  I am going to continue to read the Bible every day, pray, be thankful and try.  I am thankful to God for providing for me.  My business is going well.  I keep finding new things and online sales are solid.  I am lucky to have work that lets me get out, work, do a good job for my customers and still have time to read and study the Bible. 

I've been reading Acts which is difficult but interesting and rich in historical references.  Romans, Greeks, Jews and Gentiles.  Paul states in 5 that, "I lived as a Pharisee. And now it is because of my hope in what God has promised our fathers that I am on trial today." - NIV 9 "I too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth." - NIV   13  "...I saw a light from heaven brighter than the sun, blazing around me and my companions." - NIV Later in 20 Paul states, "I preached that they should repent and turn to God and prove their repentance by their deeds." - NIV

These are just pieces but this chapter gives a good outline of Paul's conversion.  Paul had been religious all his life and before God appeared to him he was active in seeking out followers of the Way (Jesus) and trying to punish them.  He even mentions casting his vote and guarding the clothes of people who were killing Christians.  When Jesus appears to him, he changes his ways and puts his efforts into teaching the message of Jesus. 

It is interesting because of his religious background he is able to to talk to the Jewish leaders about the laws of Moses and he has the understanding to explain how Jesus through his life, suffering, death and resurrection is able to fulfill all the prophecies.  He travels everywhere and spreads the word.  He puts passion and energy into doing what Jesus told him to do.  He also gets to the heart of it for the Gentiles who didn't have the religious training.  He teaches about repentance and love.  Paul was the perfect guy for the job because he could talk to everyone about Jesus. 

What sunk in for me was the repeated focus on Jesus as being a living person, being put to death and resurrected.  I like to focus on the love, love, love in the Bible.  It is important for me to remember that it isn't just a philosophy and a story but God in the flesh who lived on Earth and died for our sins.  Romans 10:9 That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." - NIV

Okay, that comes later in Romans, but is at the heart of what Paul was teaching throughout his travels in Acts. 

What I am going to remember tomorrow is that.  Jesus really died for our sins.  100% it really happened.  God raised him from the dead.  That is how I am saved from my sinful nature that I can not control.  I will work hard to keep the commandments of love because love really is a beautiful thing and I will remember that all this wasn't just a story to teach about love, but these things really happened.  My faith in Jesus is faith, but there were people who walked with him, talked with him and saw him die and then live again.  It isn't just a fairy tale.

I'm starting to take some notes on the concept of the living Word.  More of a meta-physical concept but I think exploring it will bring more to light for me.  Because there are times when I pray and read the Bible that the words do change how I'm thinking about something.  Drugs and lust can change our thinking and actions.  The positive words of the Bible can too.  I mentioned Descartes in another post with cognito ergo sum being a proof for self-awareness.  Jesus love could be an awakening awareness at the core level of others.  So we move towards not only loving and being aware of ourselves, but loving and being aware of others.  Change in the brain.  If we really become new in Jesus couldn't it be possible that the words of the Bible actually create a physical change in our brains and way of thinking?  That's why AA and Jung get into the spiritual need for a change from chemical dependency?  Just some random but interesting thoughts.

JAMES 1:2-6 I am addicted and I can't quit chewing - so I have to give this to God

I have gone 26 days with no Alcohol, no Drugs and no Gambling.  Only to stretch my brain out across a nicotine dependancy worse than the rest.


I am so addicted to nicotine and chew that I know there is no possible way for me to quit by myself without spiritual help.  because it is beyond the physical dependency, the mental neuro-chemical-electrical brain connections it is to why?  Cognita ergo sum brother.  Awareness of the self.  battle of the duality.  I just know that for some reason in this case, I am weak and must ask Jesus to be strong for me.

I am going to continue to pray, read the bible, go to meetings and focus on relationships.  This one is so much more VIVID and INTENSE.  Seriously it makes the drinking and gambling feel like childs play.  Driving 12 hours to sit in a game.  packing my truck and driving off to the desert for 3 months to drink and play every day.  I put those away so much easier than this.

Weed was harder because it became an everyday habit.  Try to justify because it's legal so there are arguements easily available. 

Nicotine is a serious bitch.  This is going to be a sweet ride. 

1 thessalonians 5:11

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. - NIV

I must do this myself so I will know how to do it and can share with others, specifically, to be able to tell them what worked for me and what didn't.

THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT VERSE: 

  JAMES 1:2-6

Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  - NIV

Attitude is key to success.  I am not hating that I am quitting chewing and it is embarassing and slightly psychotic.  This is an opportunity for me to go through it and really learn how to offer something to someone else.  We need to tell people that sometimes to get control you really have to get on your knees literally and pray to Jesus to take it away from you.  I did that.  I went into my bedroom, put my knees on the floor next to the bed bent my head down crossed my hands and prayed to God and Jesus to help me to take the chew away because I can not do it.  They have to do this one.

But its awsome because I'm doing it and it will work.  So I have to be happy now because before I couldn't do it on my own.  I have to be happy now because and I know its wrong to say this traditionally but Its kinda like a little bit of proof that God is real.  I couldn't do something before and I tried.  I pray to God and now I can do it.  See.

and Yes this is an easier trial because I am in control of it in that I picked the day I would quit.  This isn't a sudden suprise of sickness or something out of control.  come across more later.  just want to point out that joy can and should be found especially if you want to let people know about Jesus and have it be in a good way.    I think more people will listen to a positive message than a fear mongering one and take it to heart.

I do want to help change the world and make it better. 

oh last bit for now..... 


Acts 9:1

Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lords disciples. 

Talk about a guy going to change.  Saul becomes Paul.

Reverse Quit Nicotine turns into acid

Acts 9: 1-43

battery feeling creeping up the spine but expanding around and through the whole body, seeing it all the way down the hall.  talking outloud to Jesus and making sure he knows I'm willing to beg for help.  This is the one I can not do by myself.  Weed, Alcohol and Gambling I felt like I could be a contributor.  Nicotine kicks my ass every time.  I am seriously having to turn control of my whole body and soul over to Jesus to quit this habit.  I have to quit.  How can I face anyone quit ing anything if I don't.  What an amazing bridge of distance between the habits and stop points.  Maybe it was because nicotine was the last crutch and I was so infused.  Smoking at times with a dip in.  Pain from break ups and stupidity.  Chew all day long.  chew all night long.  Dampen the spirit with nicotine to keep me calm.  this is such a strange feeling.  reminds me of acid or mushrooms only it is being sober.  what a rush.  get high by saying no. save money, rush Jesus.

Hot Green Tea.  The sensation of Hot is Good to me.  Trying to leave sugar out because I have a tray of brownies, 1/2 gallon of ice cream and a bag of oreos in the kitchen waiting.  midnight'ish was last dip last night.  now it's 6:18 pm so roughly 18 hours to first major panic attack.

Write to share.  I want to do something useful with the freakout.  Ever feel the devil close by?  I do. I am going to be praying a lot.  I will NOT break.  I am handing this one over to Jesus.  Moments when time slips and I am sitting down to have a chew but its past and not now then it skips and I'm back so grab the book and pray.  Going to read Acts 9.  Talked about it today and Saul / Paul is on the way.  Read him before / later from prison to churches.  Paul is more hard than John in a way.  But understand now he was educated and bad.  Turned and found God. 

plan to read and then sleep.  try to sleep some of this away.  bit scared of waking up too early and being up all night but we shall see.  need to get a gym membership.  interesting that they are cheap membership now only $24/month compared to the $100/month in nicotine charges I probably spend plus $29.95 set up fee.  healthy is getting cheaper.  good news.