Middle of the night and just can't sleep. One of the things I like about weed. I can sleep. Work all day, shut down at the end of the night smoke a bowl, watch some TV and go to sleep. On weed sleep through the night no problem. No weed, no sleep.
I've seen a mad alcoholic like that. Drink all night and party but can't pass out without more.
I am an addict. You think I would have realized that since I've been writing on this thing for a few days now with the intent of stopping Alcohol, Drugs and Gambling. But it really hasn't sunk in. I mean I'm not laying in a pool of my own vomit with a broken bottle at my feet or a needle hanging out of my arm. Okay I have a bit of a gut but not too bad. I am not homeless. I manage my money on a daily basis and keep things in line with my current expenses. I do owe a LOT for taxes from the past and will need to address that.
I have ruined 3 marriages and countless relationships because of my self-centered, compulsive behavior. Even in High School when I was head over heals in love for the first time with an absolute angel of a girl I managed to get completely out of control. I remember coming back from Basic Training (I went in on split-option) as a High School Junior over the summer. It seems as soon as I got back I was at a party drinking an insane amount of vodka, got out of hand, had the cops called and then my friends managed to talk the cops into letting them put me in the trunk and drove me home.
But I was never late for work.
I am sorry. I really am trying to change. I've stopped the activities before. I have NOT stopped the compulsive behavior that fuels them. Even now I'm probably redirecting into writing compulsively.
How do I change at a core level to affect the behavior that drives the addiction? How do you change your character when you are 43 years old?
Romans 7:18 really hits on this duality I'm trying to split. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't.
I want to be in a loving relationship, so I got married. Then I withdraw into myself. I want to be a hard worker and get ahead, but then I get money and run to Vegas. As for alcohol, I always thought I was a fun drunk. Same with weed, and other drugs when I was young. Things always seemed fine high. Always had a woman and lots of friends. Being sober was when I was a jerk.
I want to be sober and a nice loving guy.
Duality of Man. Lots of cool things to look into later.
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