Self-Control is my topic for the day. Here is the deal: Physical Addition to me is the easier part. I can stop myself from buying weed, going to the bar and driving up the mountain to gamble. Inner Dialog is a Bitch. Sorry this is going to just pour out for a minute uncensored. Seriously, a cute lady walks by and I am going to check out the badunka dunk of her gait. A really fat chick gives me that "agh" loud inward breath because I walk faster and go ahead of her and in my mind the squeel of Angry Pigs is going off in my head. Also, the cute little old lady at the library is always smiling and I like that I see the good things too.
Lets face it the job I made for myself isn't the most intellectual pursuit. Most of the day my mind is cruising around with the freedom to go where it wants. How do I get this bad boy on a leash? I am looking to make a fundamental change to my psyche. Seriously, there is a Jeckle and Hyde in there. Big part of why I'm anti-social. Filter is damaged. I'm not conceited as my ex thinks. I just don't trust my mouth. There is Good and Bad inside.
That's what makes me have some doubts about this at times. Is giving up the drugs and alcohol really so necessary when the root is on the inside? What would be so bad about being high if the thoughts in my head aren't worse when I'm high. What if my actions are actually improved by being high? I mean seriously if I'm grumpy and out of control mentally because I'm sober couldn't it actually be an improvement to add some THC?
Just some thoughts now I have to get back to work. I started new part-time job today keeping the apartment building that I live in cleaned up. Unsupervised, not really a job just a discount on the rent. But every cent counts and I am committed to staying in town for 4 months to do this once a week on Fridays. So no Vegas trips for 4 months.
I am trying to catch my crazy thoughts when they come out and think about Jesus and self-control today.
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